**Warning-there may be moments of TMI (too much info) so read at your descretion**
So I thought I would be sharing some interesting news in time for the holidays. On Thursday the 11th we found out I was pregnant. After two home pregnancy tests, which showed 1 1/2 lines instead of 2, Chris told me to get a blood test to ease my mind. Positive. We were not trying, still on the pill and everything. So I have been trying to wrap my mind around having another baby, having 3 kids under 4, are we really ready...etc etc etc.
Very early Sunday morning I woke up with cramps and thought how great my stupid horrible morning sickness that lasts 24/7/9 months long is coming. But when I went to the rest room it was quickly deduced that this was not normal. I screamed for Chris and he called his mom (who did not know we were expecting yet). Well as you can guess I had a miscarriage.
The problem now for me is trying to decide if I'm having a lack of emotion over this. We still went to church and because of my several trips to the lady's room, I was asked by a good friend if all was okay. I tried to brush it off...yeah I'm good, just a little sick. But she persisted and then was shocked I was even there. Well I hope it doesn't mean I am not grieving. Chris had a solo to sing and we both had Primary to teach...so...
I was going to go to work to but unfortunately had horrible cramps and had to call in. I HATED having to tell my boss who I hardly ever talk to anyway about this woman's problem. AHHH
So the last few days I am starting to wonder if I am dealing with this wrong. I had to have an ultrasound since we really did not know how far along I was (birth control=crazy non-track able periods).
The doctor was amazing...Dr. Horsely personally did the ultrasound and spent forever talking to me. This was a last minute call too since my old OBGYN had moved. Then he did the first thing that really brought my emotions to the surface...he gave me a hug. WOW what an amazing man who must have know what I needed...even though I didn't.
But still I'm wondering if I need to feel more. I feel horrible that I hadn't wrapped my mind around being pregnant yet. I should have been so excited, here I am able to get pregnant without trying while others who would be amazing parents struggle. Then I don't even have the right coping skills to grieve for that loss.
My poor husband has no idea what to do with me. I am moody, ornery, and frankly pissy (and I hate that word but there is no other to describe me now).
I hope I haven't said too much, or offended anyone by this post. I really am just trying to understand everything and make sure I'm doing this right...if there is a right way.
11 comments:
Again, I am so sorry. It is hard to understand things like this. I agree with you though...I don't think that there is a right way. We all grieve the way that is best for us. This is a hard situation and it will take time for it all to work out. My advice would be not to stress over it. Trust yourself and everything will be alright. Also, turn to the spiritual stuff and let it guide you. Dr. Horsely is a great guy. He is my OBG and also a bishop in our stake.
I wish I had all of the right words and able to express them in the most eloquant way, but I have never really been very good at that. But what I want to say is this....feel the way you need to feel. There is not handbook on what is right or wrong with a miscarriage. With my first one, I cried and cried and cried for days. I fell into a deep depression that lasted for months. With this second one, I didn't feel hardly any emotion, until one of my friends expressed she was pregnant about two weeks after and then I started grieving. I even put on 20 pounds from it all. (Now on top of it, I gotta lose that!!) But, feel what you feel. It is okay if you don't feel sad about it. You are such a strong woman and you are perfect just the way you are! I love you dearly and if I can do anything to support you, please ask. Love ya
Miscarriages Suck. Don't feel guilty about the lack of emotion. You have 2 beautiful little boys and with the surprise pregnancy you never really got the chance to wrap your head around it all. In my case my miscarriage took a lot out of me because we want a baby so badly. Even though you didn't plan on having a baby, miscarriages still suck. You'll be numb for awhile but you are an amazing woman and things will go back to normal with time(like I'm one to talk) Don't be afraid to be happy and move on or to ball your eyes out. There aren't a lot of things anyone can say to make this better but know that we love you and if you ever want to hang out, talk, or just get distracted let me know. 801-860-7383
Thanks guys so much for your kind words. You are the best of friends! Thanks for letting me go full ventation! Wow that totally would fail as a valid sentence but I still stand by it!
Brindi, you are a strong chica, and I admire you so much! I agree with what was said before, feel the way you need to feel...and take your time. Trying to overcome a difficult situation without taking enough time to heal can just cause greater problems. You are in my thoughts and prayers..... Love ya!
Brindi you don't have to feel guilty for any feeling you may be having. My experience with my first was much the same as you described, I was sad but at the same time amazingly ok with things. Unfortunately it hit me hard later on. Please if you need ANYTHING you let me know and I'll be there. I'm glad you went to Dr Horsely. He is a very good guy and a great doctor.
My dear cousin, the Lord knows what we can handle and when we can handle it. You will have a chance to meet your little one someday. Our prayers are with you.
Definitely not a situation to wish upon anyone! In my professional opinion, you are handling things just fine. Goodness, you bearly had time to process the fact that you were unexpectedly pregnant and then you unexpectedly weren't. Not an easy thing to deal with. Give yourself some time. These things happen...it's "normal"--such a non-comforting word, I know, but, it is what it is! Hang in there!
I am not going to read others comments before posting this. Everyone grieves in their own way. I miscarried just before getting pregnant with Clarysa. I never cried, I wasn't sad, angry, etc. I was at peace. Not to say that others way of grieving isn't right or anything but this is what was right for me. I prayed and prayed and prayed and all I felt was peace. I knew that what happened wassn't my fault, there was nothing I could do about it, and Heavenly Father had taken the pain. I feel kind of bad now because I have been through a mc but not with the emotions so when others go through, I still don't know what to say. I know where you are coming from, EXACTLY. It is weird. I hope you can find peace in your mind or hope you already have.
I feel bad because yours is a private blog I forget to check. My heart ached for you as I read this post. But know that there is no wrong way to feel. I hope that you get comfort in what ever way you need and know that they are those of us out there who are praying for you!
Thanks again for all the heartfelt wishes and concern. I am doing alright though I did have a moment last sunday when I realized it would have been one more week of pregnancy...maybe that will happen today. But I have an amazing friend who gave me some LDS talks on miscarriage that helped her.
I am doing well...thanks again so much for all you do.
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